The Purina Dog Food Diet for Non Binary Customers of Petco

It was bitterly cold this week… nonetheless… I hit the remote start to my GMC2500 parked right outside the farmhouse… waited for the truck to warm up.  When it was nice and toasty inside the cab.
I went to  Petco to buy a large bag of Purina dog chow for my old dog Jake.
Jake loved to go to Petco, but I can’t take Jake with me anymore. Jake is old… like me… and he’s not able to  climb up in the cab of the truck.  Jake gives me a sad look thru the front room window as I motor off.
I arrive at Petco with no problem.  Surprising how little bad weather and roads affect a big 4 wheel drive truck with a 6.5 litre engine!!!  I get the shopping cart loaded up with a couple 50 pounders and a couple of surprise dog treats for the petulant old dog.
I’m in the check-out line when the clerk/cashier asked if I had a dog. I wasn’t surprised at this question coming from a 20 something non-binary….. shaved head… facial tats… studs… Ubangi style earings… the whole nine yards!
What did “it” think I had, a fucking elephant? So because I’m old and mean and feeling sorry for myself and Jake and the existence of the whole “non-binary” crap, I told “it” ….. that no… I don’t have a dog.
I told “it” that I was starting the Purina Dog Chow diet again for myself.  I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time I was on the Purina Diet!
“It” gaped at me… I added that I’d lost 25  pounds and was well on my way to achieving my goal of a 30-pound weight loss….before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told “it” that Purina Dog Chow is perfectly good for humans.  The way it works is you just load up your pockets with the Purina nuggets and simply eat a handful whenever you get hungry! The food is nutritionally complete and the diet works well!  I told “it” that I regained some weight, and was going to try the Purina Dog Chow diet again!
At this time, practically everyone in the checkout line was enthralled with my story….except for the two guys in camouflage duck hunting clothes buying food for their Labradors.  These guys were laughing their asses off so hard that one of them was crying!
Horrified, “it”  asked how come I ended up In Intensive care?  Did the dog food poison me?  I told “it”  no, I had stopped to piss on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
By the time I left the store, the whole checkout line was laughing…. Except for “it” the non-binary.  Pearls before swine, I guess…..
Johnson Long


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.